By Al-Amin Isa
The Federal Government deserves a standing ovation. After all, it has perfected the art of fighting insecurity—by never actually fighting it. Bandits terrorize highways and villages in Katsina and Zamfara, but Abuja’s arsenal remains fully stocked with one dependable weapon: press releases to condemn their attacks. Clearly, microphones are the new AK-47s.
Unemployment? Solved—at least in theory. Why bother recruiting thousands of idle northern youths into the military when they can simply be left to rot in frustration? Imagine the catastrophe if young men actually had jobs and bandits were defeated. What, then, would the deep state use as its excuses for the huge security votes?
And let’s not forget the “Chief Security Officers” of the states. Oh yes, Governors carry that title with pride. The only problem? The Constitution ties their hands. They command no army, control no police force, and lack the authority to procure even a single bullet. It’s like crowning a man “captain” of a ship, then warning him never to touch the wheel. Bravo, Abuja, bravo.
So here we are: people bleed, villages burn, and the Federal Government indulges in its favorite pastime—issuing press release to condemn. At this rate, maybe the only way to see action is if the bandits themselves start issuing press statements. At least then, Abuja would have competition.
Welcome to Bandits Unlimited Nigeria™—where the Federal Government does nothing, and the bandits do whatever they like.
Disclaimer: Victims not included. Security votes non-refundable.
